My Latest: Drawstring Backpacks, Slime and Sidewalk Paint, a Double-Sided T-Shirt Quilt, and Much, Much MORE!

It's been quite a while since I've updated you on my paid writing, and that's because I've had so much of it!

I substituted as site director for Crafting a Green World over the holidays (and yes, of COURSE Matt had to call me Director Finn), which means that for a while, I was writing five times a week, sometimes literally with a piece of pumpkin pie at my elbow. Fortunately, this was the best time to have the extra work, since Matt was on his vacation, as well, and with him playing with the kids, it wasn't too stressful to sneak off regularly and get these posts up:

a round-up of crafts and recipes related to coffee

a tutorial to make drawstring backpacks

You cannot have too many of these, by the way. They make organizing for extracurricular activities so much easier.

a Top Posts of 2014 round-up

a round-up of holiday upcycling options

a review of 150+ Screen-Free Activities for Kids (the kids made slime and sidewalk paint)

Giving the slime a haircut is always fun.

a round-up of chia seed crafts and recipes

a tutorial for making a double-sided T-shirt quilt

 a crafty recipe round-up

a round-up of altered container projects

a melted crayon ornament tutorial

 and, finally, an essay on the future of computer learning and the service industry

That was a lot of writing, right? Congratulations to me! 

Anyway, the other day, Will was pitching a fit about having to brainstorm topics for a personal narrative that I'll be requiring her to write next week. She didn't want to brainstorm topics; she WANTED to play half an hour of LEGO Marvel, but she wasn't allowed her last half-hour of screen time until after she'd finished her schoolwork. The only thing left on her work plans, however?

Brainstorm topics for a personal narrative.

After the huge temper blow-up, which thankfully took place in her father's company, not mine, she appeared in front of me, teary-eyed but belligerent, and I pulled her into my lap to quietly chill out for a while. After some chilling, she again expressed her desire to have her half-hour of screen time; I assured her that she had only one assignment left to complete before she could do that. She expressed her desire to NOT write a personal narrative; I assured her that she did not have to write a personal narrative today. Rather, she needed only to brainstorm a topic for a personal narrative to be written in the future. She asked why she had to write a personal narrative at all; I explained that much practice in composition is required before it comes easily, and that she will want it to come easily, so that she can focus on all that she wants to communicate one day. She said something along the lines of "how/why/what do you know about it, anyway?"

I looked at her in bewilderment, amusement battling with a bit of horror, and said, "Child, do you not know that your MOTHER is a writer?!? This is what I do all day when I'm not actively engaging with you. Writing is my JOB! Not even to mention--I used to TEACH writing, to COLLEGE STUDENTS! And you used to come with me sometimes! To my WRITING WORKSHOPS! Did you never wonder what was going on there, all the 18-year-olds in a classroom, me at the front of it talking to them, them asking me questions, me answering them? I was teaching them HOW TO WRITE!!!"

Once I had successfully made the child understand that I am a reliable authority in the field of composition and its instruction (mental note: must get my diplomas framed and hung to point out to them when they're acting belligerent about academics), the conversation resolved, the child finished her brainstorming, I praised it, and she actually promised me that she would not throw a fit at all next week about any part of the process of writing and editing a personal narrative.

I should have made her write that down and sign it, because I can guarantee you that she will throw a fit, likely at every single step of the writing and editing processes, but there was no time...

After all, the kid had a half-hour of LEGO Marvel to play!

Last Class

I taught my final (at least, what I assume to be final--who ever knows, you know?) cloth diapering class at The Green Nursery last weekend:

Since my kids are now five and seven, it's really time that I stop having to keep up with all the cloth diaper trends (wool! hemp! bamboo! one-size! hybrids!), but still...all those pregnant mommas taking notes, all those adorable colors and patterns and teeny-tiny little diaper covers, all those well-padded baby butts...

...sigh.

Sauced

Tomorrow, three days post apple orchard, is officially our Day of Apples--dried apple chips, apple muffins, apple cookies, applesauce, dried apple doll faces, apple pie, clove apples--but yesterday, since I didn't have to teach in the evening, I did get one huuuuuuge pot of applesauce canned, of which these three cans are a mere fragment:

I made a big mistake, however, in that I followed the directions for making applesauce when you have a food mill--ie. I didn't peel my apples. Only problem?

I don't own a food mill.

I plan to save this particular batch only for intimates, those to whom I will not feel ashamed saying, "And, um, when you eat your applesauce, pick around the woody-textures peels."

Tomorrow's applesauce will NOT include the peels.

P.S. One of my student projects, entitled Squid Monster, is a student's response to an assignment prompt that asked him to create his own original horror-genre cultural artifact, containing a monster, that worked literally and also metaphorically to represent a fear relevant to our own contemporary cultural context. This animation is the reason why I sometimes love to teach.

I've Got the Whole World in Her Hands

So if you're feeling kind of stressed about the start of the school year, about lesson plans and class prep and grading and just the pure logistics of the kids' school and your school and office hours and playdates (Example A is Tuesday office hours: the kids and I start at the public library for story time, then I drive them and their packed lunches to my partner's office, where he meets me in the parking lot and we switch cars, and he feeds the kids their lunch and takes them to school while I drive over to my office hours with my work stuff, and find a parking spot and walk to my office, then leave promptly at the end of my office hours to walk back to my car and drive back to my partner's office to get the car with the car seats to drive to the kids' school to pick them up--stressful, right? And we haven't even talked about the evening hand-off twice a week so I can teach!), and you haven't crafted anything lately, which you REALLY like to do, because you've been too busy writing your syllabus, and the house is a wreck because you've been too busy to clean, AND the yard needs to be mown very badly...

...then I suggest that you take your kid's suggestion that you spend the entire morning with her drawing a pretend map of a world. You are to use your biiiiiiiig Strathmore sketch pad (leaf rubbings are still on the docket for sometime) and crayons, and there will be lots of ocean and many fanciful continents--

--and also bridges between the continents and sea plants for the people to eat and outer space and volcanoes that erupt into outer space.

The big kid and I filled one entire sheet of paper with our map, collaborating together, and we were going to do the other side of the paper together, as well (the world has to have an other side, of course), but she got impatient while I was out hanging up the laundry and just did the back side herself. It was amazing, of course.

The little kid did not want to draw, but she did want to sit near us at the table and play with ponies, so there you go:I have a few more interminable teaching tasks to do tomorrow--a lesson planned around the introduction to The Hero with a Thousand Faces that we'll be reading, an assignment sheet for my students' first analytical paper of the semester, a bonus reading to scan and upload, as well as some miscellaneous plans, in-class writing assignments, and hand-outs to revise for this semester--and then that's Week 2 done and all I have to do is teach it, and I WILL NOT plan anything for Week 3 (which is mostly peer review days and instructor consultation days, anyway) until I have made the kids some nice autumn pajamas, and bonus points for some matching jammie pants for myself.

But if that stresses me out too much, there are always kittens to watch. This one is attacking a shoe!

P.S. Want to follow along with my craft projects, books I'm reading, road trips to weird old cemeteries, looming mid-life crisis, and other various adventures on the daily? Find me on my Craft Knife Facebook page!

But What Does It Look Like to YOU?

So I'm grading some final papers in the study, while the girls are playing outside and Matt is working on my book proposal on the other side of the table, and I'm separating, as I go, the students' copies of their secondary sources that they've paperclipped to their final papers, when I see:
"Oh, my GAWD!"" I shriek, thrusting the offending paperclip out at Matt. "Where on Earth do you think my student found THIS? I can't BELIEVE she thought that was appropriate!"

Matt is very busy, and so he barely looks up before getting back to work, and he simply says, "It's supposed to be a dog bone, Julie."

Oh. Yeah, I can totally see that.

In other news, WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!! My final papers are graded and my final grades are submitted, and other than answering student emails complaining about said grades, my summer has BEGUN! The level of bliss that I am experiencing is quite incomprehensible.

I did SO MUCH awesome stuff today, the first day of my summer vacay. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, but here's a sneak peekie: check out my tutorial for mending a hole in your back pocket so that your ass doesn't hang out of your jeans, over at Crafting a Green World.

Cookies and Course Evaluations

I looked up this morning from finishing up posting grades on a few last homeworks to find a monkey in the mulberry tree:
I stuck my head out the window to say hi, and Willow mentioned she was stuck, so we discussed some strategies for remedying that unfortunate situation--Will's first suggestion was that she climb further out onto the branch to make it bend lower to the ground, which I actually thought was pretty clever, but I had to point out that it just seemed a little too risky to try. Eventually she compromised with my suggestion that she wasn't so high that she couldn't lower herself from the limb, hang by her hands, and then drop to the ground. I'm very big on proper dropping procedure--loose muscles, land on your feet, immediately let yourself fall onto your butt--so it ended up going pretty well.

That, however, was not the big adventure for the day, because today was (Hallelujah!!!) my last class of the semester! My students drive me nuts, and I never do grow to like all of them, but over the course of the semester I do become very fond of most of them, and extremely fond of a few of them. They're usually funny, most of them, and sincere, and pretty good sports, and on the last day of classes I like to bake them cookies. It's my secret way of giving them a little love.

Some semesters I go homemade, some semesters I go straight Pillsbury, but this semester I went for Pillsbury with homemade cream cheese icing. I've got some professional-grade food coloring, and I had this whole plan to let the girls explore color mixing, but why the hell would you want to discuss the difference between a dye and a pigment and what a tone is versus what a shade is when you could just be doing this? Or this? Ah, well. It was a Practical Life exercise, in that I taught them how to mix the icing inside a sealed plastic bag and then cut a corner off of the bag to decorate with it, and an exercise in Good Works for Others, in that we decorated the cookies not for ourselves, but for my students. We'll do color mixing tomorrow.

My cookies are pretty luscious-looking, I think, with the course number of the composition class I teach iced on top: Pretty festive, don't you think?

The girls' cookies, however, are in a world of their own:

I let them decorate with some of the Ouchie Candy Stash (you and your sister only get a piece if one of you is SERIOUSLY hurt, real tears, no faking) which itself is left over from a holiday gingerbread house.

But don't worry--there are a couple of cookies (and a couple of cold beers) left over for my own private end of the semester celebration. Because I'm fond of them, but they were still assholes for most of the semester, and also?

I have 42 final papers to grade now.

P.S. Check out my rules for tree climbing over at Eco Child's Play.

In Between Teaching, Writing, and Parenting...

I sewed:
So refreshing.

I tend to have a lot of irons in the fire, with a lot of plans for far more irons, so it's easy for me to let myself get really panicky about all that I have to do, and all that I haven't yet done, if I'm not careful:

• LOTS of homework papers that I *should* grade and alphabetize to pass back to my students on Wednesday. It will give me less to do when I'm trying to grade and record final papers, and my students will appreciate knowing their grades up to the final--of course, it will also give them more scope for pestering me with whining...
• LOTS of things that I *should* craft for Luna Fest on Sunday--one set of button alphabets to finish and another that I could sell as a set; several sets of crayon rolls, marker rolls, and colored pencil rolls, allowing me to sell them individually or as gift sets; melted crayons; doily pinbacks, etc.
• A couple of last tutorials, some photos, and a LOT of proofreading and design work on my book proposal, and then having it copied and bound and sending it--I really, really wanted to send it this week. Sigh.
• How great would it be to write a couple of pattern zines to have ready at Luna Fest, and also for my pumpkinbear etsy shop? Wouldn't you totally want a hip, indie zine that would tell you how to make a superhero T-shirt dress?
• If I don't post regularly on Crafting a Green World and Eco Child's Play, then I don't earn my craft supplies budget for the next month. No craft supplies=suckage.
• The Montessori Parents' Library, for whom I am the Parents' Library librarian, could use a Wish List, written self check-out instructions, signage, and CD copies of all the expert lectures that are on--ugh--cassette tapes.
• Speaking of...when did I last update my pumpkinbear etsy shop?

On the plus side, the kiddos are happy and engaged (barring some minor drama with Music Day--how did I manage to convince Will's teachers that I am some kind of rabid stage mom, when the truth is that I don't give a flying flip whether or not she performs the bumblebee song in front of her classmates and parents?), with a mama who helps them put together the velociraptor puzzle and reads the dinosaur encyclopedia to them for one solid hour and makes gluten-free brownies with them in the morning.

Come to think of it, did I eat anything today other than a butt-load of gluten-free brownies? Maybe that explains it...

P.S. Check out my list of eco-crafting tutorials for Earth Day over at Crafting a Green World.

We Love Books. We Also Like Them to be Free.

It's a well-known fact that the girls and I can generally be counted upon to know the time and location of every large garage sale free day, thrift store store-wide sale, and book sale free day. Monday, of course, was the free day of the Monroe County Public Library Friends of the Library book sale, and therefore, on Monday, there we were:Mind you, the book sale free days are actually really important to me professionally, because as part of my students' work analyzing gender ideologies, I give them each a romance novel to analyze. That's 46 Harlequins a semester, and no, I don't get funds for supplies. Fortunately, book sale free days are often just teeming with Harlequins, and I can usually even score a volunteer who's so stoked to get rid of some of them that she'll actually sit down on the floor with me and help sort through them ("How about this one, dear?" It's about a cowboy and a Russian czarina, although I'm afraid it looks a bit racy...").

With my two little girlies also scoring free books, with their own perfectly-sized real metal shopping cart (I once had to scream at a lady ACROSS A WAREHOUSE to stop stealing some of the free crap from my kids' shopping cart while Willow stood there right in front of her and cried--some people will do anything for a creepy vintage doll), I, as a rule, never get to look for my own reading material, but I did manage to grab several awesome 80s Christmas crafting books, a whole wheat cookbook, and some California travel guides for cutting up for scrapbook embellishments.

The girls, too, got lots of awesome-to-them stuff--books about Botswana, the digestive system, the making of the 80s-era Ramona the Pest TV show, etc.--and I usually respect their haul, but this one I had to take away when they weren't around:Really?I mean, really?

The worst thing is that it totally makes me want a cigarette right now. Seriously--the picture of the smoking cat makes me want a cigarette.

My week is turning out to be a little stressful.

P.S. Check out my tutorial for making scrapbook embellishments from comic books over at Crafting a Green World.

But I Have a Disability

If I can't be bothered to learn my students' names this semester, would it be wrong to tell them that I have a disability that manifests as an inability to connect a person's name to their face?

That would be really wrong, wouldn't it?

I might do it anyway.

Beer Makes You Happier

So say that you are having a seriously lousy morning. You STILL have some Project #1 papers to grade and you want to return them tonight to your students, who are whiny and demanding and will refuse to understand why it might take more than one week to grade 46 papers that (supposedly) took them two weeks each to write. Add this to the fact that you are actually having some discipline issues in your classroom, which is ridiculous since your students are college freshmen, although they seem to be having an unusually difficult time adapting to your classroom, which is not permissive, accepts no deviation from the stated rules of the syllabus, and requires a lot of unsupervised work on their part. Are you the problem? You know you're unhappy teaching this semester, you find it burdensome and tiring, you resent the time spent away from your family--can the little rats tell?

And of course, since this is a morning in which you need the children to play independently so that you can work, and you can't go to the park because it's too windy to grade papers there, and you can't go to the library because the playroom is closed on Wednesday mornings, the children are also being whiny and demanding. Willow is throwing an hour-long fit because she's cold--she is also naked and refuses to get dressed. Sydney is fully dressed, but you've just had to change her clothes entirely after she stuffed cottonballs down the drain and overflowed the sink onto herself, the floor, and down into the basement.

Clearly, life sucks. You need to make some beer bread. Beer bread is delicious. It's easy. It's bread. It's beer. It's yummy happy comfort food that will bring some small pleasure into your spiteful day.

1. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees.

2. In a bowl, sift three cups of flour--I sometimes do all whole wheat, sometimes all white, usually a combination thereof. If you use at least two-thirds self-rising flour, skip the baking powder and salt; otherwise, throw in a teaspoon of each. 3. Grab a beer. I have an entire case of Budweiser in the basement that I use only for beer bread, but when I'm feeling especially unhappy, I treat myself by using my most favorite of all beers: You need a tad less than 12 ounces of beer, I assert, so go ahead and take a little swig of that bad boy: If you accidentally drink too much, well, there's always another beer in the fridge, right?

4. Pour in the beer and mix it on up: After you've got it just mixed, you can add it whatever: spices, nuts, shredded cheese, dried fruit. My favorites are pistachios or sunflower seeds or shredded pepperjack. Raisins and garlic were both kind of gross.

5. Spray a loaf pan, pour in the dough, and bake it in the oven for 45 minutes.

While you're waiting 45 minutes for your bready goodness, you've still got your demanding little monkeys to pacify, so whip out one of your faithful documentaries,. Kids sit gape-mouthed on the bed, you get to just nearly almost finish grading:
6. Forty-five minutes later, yum! I tend to like mine with some butter or jalepeno jelly or vegenaise--
--but Willow likes me to melt cheese on hers so that she can then stuff it into her mouth like an animal:
And while you're grading the last two papers and then recording the grades, flush with not so much a sense of accomplishment as resigned relief that the misery is over for a little while, your younger monkey, bored with the bird movie, will scribble over some of your students' papers and then the sheets and then fall fast asleep:

Instead of ahh-ing over how adorable your little daughter is, you will think, "Crap. There goes her afternoon nap."

Hello, writing lesson plans with a baby on my lap!