Sexy Coffee and Racist Tea: Weird and Troubling Nutcracker Productions

Once upon a time six years ago, there was a very tiny toy soldier bravely marching into battle under the direction of her Nutcracker General to fight off the Mouse hordes. 

Several promotions later, that child soldier has grown into an Officer, dancing her first role en pointe in our local university's production of The Nutcracker. But just between us, the Mice really have the more righteous cause. So don't tell the Nutcracker General, but his Officer will be spending half her time secretly as a Mouse, menacing that brat Clara and bravely fighting her sometimes-comrades, the soldiers. 

I think the Mice might have a real chance to win this year!

It's time, then, for my third-favorite holiday of the year: Nutcracker season! 

Here's a Fun Holiday Game For You: Find the Weirdest and Most Troubling Nutcracker Productions

If I was still working on a PhD (if only PhD programs could be twenty years long, because it took at least fifteen years before I thought of my first original research idea that would have made a good thesis, ahem. And now I get good thesis ideas on the daily!), I would 100% be writing my thesis on regional Nutcracker productions as cultural artifacts that reveal and complicate our society's understanding of gender, sexuality, and race, as well as the male gaze when directed at female-presenting adolescents. 

Particularly that last one, ahem. I thought our local university's production was a little heavy on the child predator grooming a future victim vibes, and then I watched literally any other Nutcracker ever choreographed. Most of the productions I've seen have been choreographed by men, and they seem to have a very hard time visualizing a relationship between a male and female, even one with a fifty-year age gap where the female is supposed to be, like, twelve, that's not somehow gross. 

Other Nutcracker cliches to look out for include how heteronormative and cisgender are the children's casting, costumes, props and choreography; is the "Arabian Coffee" dance meant to be "sexy" or not; and how racist does the "Chinese tea" dance present? Our local university's production is pretty racist; it was only a very few years ago that they stopped putting a Fu Manchu mustache on the male lead, recently enough that I still worry every year that it might show up again.

Here's an interesting mini-documentary about how Ballet West addressed racism in the tea dance a few years ago:

Joffrey Ballet now also does a dragon dance, and a nearby university's production invites a local martial arts school to do some sweet moves onstage during that number. 

Every November, then, in the lead-up to The Nutcracker, it's my personal mission to find the weirdest and/or most troubling productions. Partly, I just think it's interesting to see how different choreographers handle the exact same music and same basic plot. Partly, it's just me processing my sour grapes--like, sure, they make my kid dance in pants and ugly wigs every single year even when wearing that pretty party dress and having her hair in curls was her one dream and they 100% gave her height-related body dysmorphia for a while when she finally caught on that it was always the shortest girl who scored Clara, but hey, at least nobody's in blackface in OUR production! But partly, I also like to see how our various societal tropes are expressed in this one cultural commonality. You know, who's doing something different on purpose, and why? Who thought they were doing something different but it's just an even more overt expression of that same cliche? Who's tapped into a way to empower and include artists and audience, and who's actively fighting against equity and diversity?

Dutch National Ballet: The Nutcracker and the Mouse King

Many years ago during Nutcracker season, we found a Nutcracker production on YouTube that has, to date, the most bonkers plot twist imaginable: the Mice WIN the battle against the Nutcracker and take all of the child soldiers captive, including Clara's own brother, Fritz, who was commanding the toy soldier army. We were all, like, "Okay, that was weird," and moved onto the Snow Scene, after which Act 1 ends with Drosselmeyer leading Clara and the Nutcracker Prince into... his film projector, I think? There, for some reason, the Mouse King and his army appear again and this time the Nutcracker defeats him and now all the Divertissements dance while Clara and the Prince act cute and Drosselmeyer bops in and out occasionally like a matchmaking Gollum.

So we're just happily watching the Divertissements when Arabian begins with a guy cracking a whip, and then onto the stage stumble enslaved people wearing ragged clothing and chains. The male lead starts his dance, but then one of the enslaved men tries to escape and is dragged back by one leg and starts to dance this weirdly homoerotic S&M pas de deux with the Arabian lead and we all realize--OMG, that's FRITZ!!! Fritz has been sold into slavery to the Arabian dancer! He's got makeup bruises and his clothes are ripped and he's in manacles and now he's rolling around on the floor while the Arabian dancer thrusts over him and it is WILD. 

Every year since, we've tried to find this specific Nutcracker, but never ran across it again. But a couple of nights ago, in a completely hysterical fit of insomnia, I was all, "This is my mission. I will not rest until I have found this fever dream of a Nutcracker." I Googled various search terms involving Nutcracker, Fritz, and "abducted," "enslaved," and "kidnapped," etc. And finally, I cracked it! Welcome, Friends, to the Dutch National Ballet's production of The Nutcracker and the Mouse King, choreographed by Toer van Schayk and Wayne Eagling. That YouTube version we watched absolutely was a bootleg of a 2011 filmed and streaming version (if your state university library has a Medici.tv subscription like mine does, you can watch it there), but at least right now you can also watch the 2021 production here. 

Also notable about this production: there's real ice skating in the Prologue and Apotheosis, Fritz tries to spy on his sister while she's changing clothes, and they skip Mother Ginger entirely.

And a random fun fact: after Russia invaded Ukraine, the Bolshoi Ballet's prima ballerina denounced the war, fled Russia, and now dances with the Dutch National Ballet.

Mariinsky Ballet: The Nutcracker

This is a fun one to watch, even before it gets super weird at the end, because the Mariinsky Ballet in St. Petersburg is famous for holding the very first production of The Nutcracker in 1892. Fun fact: audiences HATED IT! They thought, in particular, that it was so stupid to have children dancing in a professional production. Especially funny considering that child dancers are now The Nutcracker's biggest draw. The Mariinsky must have learned its lesson, because even though there are a few children's roles in this production, even Act I Masha and Fritz are played by full-grown adults acting like children. I love when they age Masha up for Act II so that she can do some proper dancing, but otherwise, full-grown adults acting alongside children while pretending to be their same age is a little Adam Sandler for my tastes.

This is the production choreographed in 2001 by Mikhail Chemiakin. At least right now, there's a 2007 production of Mariinsky Ballet's The Nutcracker available on YouTube:

Its portrayal starts off very comic and kid-friendly, with lots of funny noses and giant props and some pratfalls in Act I, and a low-key Voldemort-looking Drosselmeyer who obviously seethes with jealousy every time Masha and the Nutcracker Prince make goo-goo eyes at each other. Drosselmeyer also seems to maybe be in some kind of charge of the mice, who don't look very mouse-like and I really hope they're not actually caricatures of Jewish people. 

To get to the actual BONKERS part of the production, though, you have to hang on until the absolute last seconds of the performance, when Drosselmeyer raises a curtain to reveal that many of the characters are actually the treats in his candy shop. Masha and the Nutcracker Prince, who'd just finished up a joyful and romantic dance right before the curtain closed, are now revealed as the candy toppers on a giant wedding cake.

And y'all, crawling all over the cake and actively eating it as the curtain finally closes ARE THE MICE. THEY ARE LITERALLY GOING TO EAT MASHA AND THE PRINCE. 

My guess is that Drosselmeyer got fed up and figured hell, if he can't have Masha, might as well feed her to the mice.

Also notable about this production: the Arabian female lead is dressed in a skin-tight snakesuit and accompanied by snake puppets, and the poor Nutcracker Prince has to keep his horrifying Nutcracker mask on for an ungodly long time. There's also a DVD of a different Mariinsky Ballet Nutcracker production, originally choreographed by Vasily Vainonen in 1934, that's more wholesome than weird. Syd and I saw this in the theatre with her ballet buddies one year, and it's adorable.

New/Adventures: Nutcracker!

So, were you thinking that it might actually be easier in the long run just to traumatize your children with a terrifying Nutcracker production as young as possible so that they don't ask for expensive ballet lessons? 

Well, have I got the Nutcracker for you! 

Instead of casting children, let's cast adults who make big, childish movements and huge facial expressions in an uncanny valley version of childhood.

Instead of setting the scene in a wealthy household hosting an opulent Christmas party for all their rich friends, let's have Act I take place in an orphanage with a co-ed dormitory full of miserable adult-children. The grown men acting like little boys will also wear nightshirts that expose their legs to the upper thigh.

Instead of giving the kids dolls and drums and a random nutcracker, let's give them creepy shit like a ventriloquist's dummy and a working pistol. Fritz will literally shoot an orphan with the pistol, and the dummy will come to terrifying life just before the orphans revolt and one of them saws the head off of the headmaster, who is dressed in leather and wields some kind of stick... a riding crop, maybe?

Welcome to New/Adventure's Nutcracker!, choreographed in 1992 by Michael Bourne. It's not for children! 

Again, we watched this production several years ago on YouTube, in what must have been an excellent year for Nutcracker bootlegs, but right this second it's also available via a bootleg on Vimeo. 

If you don't watch the production with your kids, it's got some interesting moments that make it pretty fun. I can't completely figure out if it's Clara's little orphan buddy or the ventriloquist dummy who eventually is reincarnated as the Prince, but regardless, he's reincarnated shirtless, and their pas de deux would be charming and low-key sexy if the full-grown adult playing Clara didn't have to keep making those weird little kid faces and gestures. The overture to Act II that's normally danced by very little children playing angels or trees is danced by adults with wings wearing pajamas. Maybe they're dead orphans? It's also fun seeing how much sexual innuendo and camp and just plain bizarreness they can work into all of the Divertissements. 

In the end, Clara wakes back up in her orphanage, but who's hiding in her bed? Why, it's that hunky Prince again! 

Also notable about this production: Clara gets to dance blissfully with a whole troop of shirtless dudes, and she looks like she's having a fabulous time. The Arabian and Chinese dances aren't at all racist. And the Russian dance is, I think, a gay football theme?

Okay, I thought that I was going to monologue about all of my weird Nutcracker finds all in one place, but I actually have to go put a certain Mouse's hair up in milkmaid braids and then change into my black clothes for backstage and then drive her to campus for her stage rehearsal and then go chaperone the Party Scene children during dress rehearsal while my Mouse fights a battle and then check all the Party Scene kids back out to their parents and then collect my hopefully victorious Mouse and then drive us home and then eat Pizza Rolls in bed while watching hockey and then fall asleep without washing my face, so let's talk about weird Nutcrackers again later, okay?

And if you write your PhD thesis on the subject, send me a copy!

100+ Gift Ideas for Teenagers Who May or May Not Actually Like Stuff

 

One of my teenagers is like me in that she likes lots of different things, and is SO easy to shop for! The other teenager is like Matt in that she doesn't want a lot of stuff, doesn't use a lot of stuff, has only a few specific passions that she's deeply invested in but that don't utilize stuff, and can never seem to tell you more than a couple of things that she'd actually want or need.

The kids never notice that I give them the same number of presents of the same approximate monetary value, but *I* do, and every year I have to pare my list for one kid waaaay down while searching unto the ends of the earth for things to add to my other kid's list. 

Like, does anyone else have that specific problem with a TEENAGER?!? It low-key boggles my mind. Must be nice not to feel like you have a gaping void in your soul that can only be filled with stuff, I guess...

Here, though, is stuff that I've found that my teenagers DO like. One teenager likes pretty much all of this stuff, and the other is pickier, but nevertheless, I can always find something for each of them within these general categories.

Blankets and Stuffies

Teenagers still like this! Even if your teenager isn't a stuffed animal person still, EVERYONE is a fuzzy blanket person. And there are so many super weird, novelty blankets and stuffies out there in the world that even if your teenager doesn't love fluff, you can find something they'll love that just happens to be fluffy.

• blanket with a good quote on it. These aren't as wild as novelty prints, but still let you get something that fits a kid's specific personality. I like this company that puts a long excerpt of a favorite book on one side of a blanket; the other side is a sort of faux fur, so it's VERY soft! Or there's a shop on etsy that makes blankets that look like the first page of a book. 
• fluffy accessories. I feel like all the kids like fluffy things. When I was in college, we used to call these bed pillows "husbands," but I think people are less weird these days. 
• novelty fleece blanket. These are light and don't take up a ton of space, but both my teenagers happily snuggle in them when we're hanging out together. Last year, I bought everyone a fleece blanket relating to each person's individual fandom as a Christmas Eve present--Hot Topic had the best prices at the time, and right now it looks like they're on sale again!
• stuffies. One of my teenagers owns a stuffed six-foot loaf of French bread, and she sleeps with it every night. I've got another very strange and very long stuffie already wrapped for her. The other teenager likes stuffies so much that their existence all over their shared bedroom has become quite the point of contention between the siblings, so I've had to cool off a bit on giving her stuffies... unless/until I find her something truly great, of course!
• weighted things. Weighted blankets are wildly soothing, and weighted stuffies feel bizarrely comforting to hold. You just have to keep an eye on the weight and size of your blankets--Syd picked out a weighted Minecraft blanket from Target a few months ago (yes, she does openly admit that she is actually a nine-year-old boy...) and we were reduced to helpless giggles when she pulled it out of the package and it was approximately half her size--indeed, the perfect size for a nine-year-old boy!

Clothes

Christmas is a great time to give a teenager that stupid trendy clothing item they've been longing for but you don't want to pay your hard-earned money for unless it's an Occasion. Only one of my teenagers is into clothing like that, so I force myself to buy her a couple of things from her wish list every holiday. My favorite clothes to buy the kids, though, are fun items printed with inside family jokes and other stuff they like.

• hoodies. All the teenagers like hoodies. Even my very minimalist teenager who hates clothes has a hoodie that references a favorite vacation we took together, although she wouldn't want anymore than one. Fortunately, my other teenager shares my firm conviction that the more hoodies, the better! I like to buy her ones with really niche graphics from our shared interests, and ones that are branded with places we've visited together.
• wearable hoodie/blanket. Have you seen these? They are WONDERFUL!
• winter/outdoor gear. Okay, it's probably not the most fun to receive, but if you live anywhere cold, your teenager absolutely wants gloves that are heated and/or touchscreen compatible, warm socks, base layers, wooly hats, and possibly a new coat if you didn't score one at the start of the season. My teenagers both like these mitten/fingerless glove combos, which are a nice way to keep your fingies warm while maintaining manual dexterity when needed. On a personal note, I have been waging a multi-year campaign to get Will to consent to replace the stained old puffer coat that she's been wearing since her final growth spurt. Seriously, would it kill her to just let me buy her a nice, plain, unassuming Carhartt coat? I promise that after that, I'll never pester her again about coats! I'm not even going to insist on the high-visibility model that I actually want to buy her so she doesn't get snatched by a human trafficker at college and end up being shipped across the world in a Wayfair box...
• wish list stuff. For my teenager who likes clothes, I just pull a couple of things off her wish list of techwear, Dr. Martens, slouchy sweaters, and the like. An easy win, although somehow less satisfying to me when I don't have to agonize over the selection.

College Stuff

OMG kitting a teenager up for dorm life is SO EXPENSIVE! I swear I did NOT get this much help or do this much shopping when I was preparing to go off to college, but was that neglect or because it was a different time? No clue, but now that I have this experience to do over again (because that's the great thing about having two kids!), I'm parceling out whatever I can across these last two years of Christmases, birthdays, and Easter baskets:

• appliances. Will only needed an electric kettle for her to be good to go, but I know other students who are bringing all kinds of fun appliances, from Brita pitchers to personal smoothie blenders. I could see buying Syd a mini fridge and a mini rice cooker, in particular, with the assumption that they'll still be good to go with her to college.
• backpacks and bags. Will is going to be doing a LOT of walking at college, so she's got a messenger bag for hauling just a few things, she still needs a nice, big backpack for hauling all her textbooks and her laptop, and I'm going to sew her padded cases for her laptop and her ipad. I really like this laundry backpack, but I couldn't convince her to give up her old Army surplus laundry bag for it--we'll see how she feels after a few weeks of hauling her clothes up and down the stairs!
• dorm necessities. I bought each person in the family their own color-coded set of washcloths, hand towels, and bath towels back in that wild first wave of COVID, so that's what Will is bringing with her to college. She needed a good bathrobe, though, and desk stuff like a lamp, bookends, schools supplies organizer, etc. 
• electronics. Up until Will's last birthday, the kids shared a laptop, and up until this coming Christmas, they share a cell phone. 

DIY Kits

Even if your kid is picky about how they spend their time, there are so many DIY kits in the world that there's definitely one that will appeal to them! We do these a lot as "independent but in the same room" family activities, where we're each working a puzzle or doing something with our hands while listening to one of our favorite podcasts together. 

• craft kits. If your kid is at all crafty, find something new to expose them to. One of my teenagers turned out to really love the latch hook kit I bought her last Christmas, and we all spent that first pandemic summer busily working away on our paint-by-numbers. Cross-stitch, diamond painting, embroidery and resin art are also fun new crafts to try. Or, sneak in some STEM!
• food kits. Make them good ones, though, not ones marketed to children. One year, for instance, I found a kit to make authentic gummies, not the weirdly flavorless kind that come in children's kits--I can't remember where I bought that kit, but it was marketed to professional cake decorators and it was LEGIT! Boba tea kits, sushi making kits, mini waffle makers and fun waffle mixes, and starter kits to make any of their favorite foods are always fun.
• LEGO set. There's definitely a LEGO set your kid will like, even if they're not super into the LEGOs themselves. My teenager who loves LEGOs will love anything, but my teenager who's not particularly into LEGOs would still love anything Nutcracker or Avengers-themed.
• pinback button maker. If you've got a kid who loves to draw or collage, this could be an easy win. This metal American-made machine is pricey, but it's the absolute best quality button maker you can buy and will last forever, so you can ebay it if they get tired of it.

Fan Swag

One of my favorite things about kids is the entirety of their weird and varied interests. Dinosaurs, My Little Pony, slime, The Avengers, mud pies, Cavetown... it's just so fun to see what kids get into! And it keeps being fun and interesting even as they grow all the way up. These days, one kid is a Fullmetal Alchemist completionist who has to read and watch everything in the "correct" order, and the other kid has very firm opinions about the remastered versions of David Bowie's songs compared to the original versions. To be honest, I keep the remastered version of "Rebel Rebel" on my Favorites playlist just to annoy her...

• bands. You're in luck if your kid is into vinyl, and in even better luck if your kid is into an older band. My teenager who loves music isn't into vinyl and wouldn't want CDs (which... gasp!), but she's going to flip out if I manage to not get sniped and actually win the auction for a certain vintage concert T-shirt I'm trying to buy her off of ebay. If teenagers are into bands, they generally like band T-shirts and concert T-shirts, even if they didn't go to that concert. If the band is popular enough to have fan-made swag on etsy, you can buy some really fun stuff there. 
• manga and/or anime. It's SO easy to buy for your teenager if they're into this! You can buy them the complete collection of their favorite manga, the complete series of their favorite anime, authentic Japanese merch, or fan-made merch from etsy. 
• books, movies and/or TV shows. Don't buy them a hoodie with the name of their favorite book or movie on it; instead, buy them something that looks like it comes from the world that the book or show exists in--fan-made items in Hogwarts school colors (please don't buy anything officially licensed because that TERF Rowling does not need anymore of our money), Disneybounding items, etc. My teenager still loves Percy Jackson and still wears the Camp Half-blood hoodie I gave her years ago, and I have a couple of ideas for more Percy Jackson things I can make for her this year.
• pajama pants. For some reason, they're the exception to the rule that wearing something with your favorite show's name on it is corny. The cornier the pajama pants, the better! I'm high-key obsessed with this brand that I discovered at Hot Topic once upon a time. 
• theme parks. This doesn't have to be Disney! One of my teenagers is especially into the small indie theme park that we visit each summer, so after this year's visit I got onto their online gift shop and bought her a couple of souvenirs.

Gross Motor Skills Support

Teenagers still need a lot of support for active movement to burn their energy and keep them off your couch. The kids both have quite strenuous near-daily extracurriculars, but it's still nice to encourage additional exercise and support for an active lifestyle.

• things for flopping. Our giant bean bag works either for their bedroom or for a family space. It takes up SO much room, but everyone, including the pets, absolutely adores it. It's great for flopping and leaping upon, but it's also just a place to lie that isn't my couch. Big floor cushions and other interesting seating choices for their work areas are also good for encouraging different ways to sit and lie, reinforcing flexibility and strength.
• things for swinging and bouncing. I wasn't sure if this indoor trampoline would be a hit, but one of my teenagers, especially, is on and off this thing multiple times a day. The teenagers don't use their aerial silks much anymore, but it's still a huge hit when their friends are over. And hammocks are eternally awesome!
• outdoor stuff. The slackline that I bought a few years ago never took off, but Will adores her kayak and both kids love this crazy-expensive but equally crazy-fast sled. Snow accessories are still popular, and camping supplies aren't perhaps the most fun, but we get a LOT of use out of them.
• wheels. A bicycle, scooter, rollerblades, or roller skates are still fun, especially if at least one of the adults is also kitted up so you can go together.

Stuff for Their Hobbies

This can be pretty niche, since it depends on what your teenagers are into. My horseback rider wants things like barn boots, work gloves, a new helmet, or breeches. My ballerina wants new leotards and dance skirts and tights, resistance bands, and turn-out discs. Or, you can get a kid something that might extend a hobby they already like, or might encourage them to try a new hobby.

Vibe Stuff for their Personal Spaces

I would have flipped out as a teenager to have all of the options teenagers these days have for awesome sensory stuff for their bedrooms. Like, I thought my CD player and my collage wall were the height of bedroom vibes!

• beds and bedding. My teenagers are both getting bedroom upgrades this winter--one of them is over the moon with joy, and the other one DNGAF because her actual bedroom for the majority of the next four years will be in Ohio! An eminently DIY-able canopy bed frame is on the excited teenager's wish list, and although that's more of a home improvement project than a Christmas gift, canopy curtains and new bedding ARE good gifts! 
• lava lamp, bubble lights, fake aquariums, etc. It's nice to give teenagers something soothing to look at. One of my teenagers would love an aquarium but you know how I feel about delicate pets, so I kind of think a faux aquarium like this would be a good compromise.
• music. Only one of my teenagers is into music, but she is very much so! She only streams it, though, so Bluetooth is the reigning monarch in our house. Fortunately, you can do ALL THE THINGS with Bluetooth, from whole sound systems to portable speakers to stuff for the pool and bathroom.
• twinkle lights. I guess we've gone beyond buying a couple of extra sets of lights at Christmas and hanging them around your bed. Now the kids can get LED lights that change colors and move to their music.

What kind of stuff do your teenagers like to receive, especially if they're not super into stuff? I'm always on the lookout for more good ideas!