I Read The Cold Vanish and It Really Bummed Me Out

Cleaned Christmas off the coffee table, and now it's time to eat Domino's and watch Trolls!

Because why would I want to read something lighthearted and fun over my Winter Break staycation, when I could instead read something seriously depressing?

The Cold Vanish: Seeking the Missing in North America's Wildlands by Jon Billman
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book is tied with When You Find My Body as a compelling, first-person story of what it’s like to love someone who’s gone missing in the wild. The author, Jon Billman, spends the most time with Randy, the father of Jacob Gray, a bicyclist missing from Olympic National Park. Billman writes vividly about Randy’s obsession with searching for his son, and it really moved me… although not, I don’t think, in the way that Billman intended. Unless he wanted me to spend New Year’s Eve super sad about the meaningless and futility of life?

In between writing about Jacob and Randy, Billman writes about the cold cases and search efforts for other people mysteriously missing in the wild. Cases like Amy Bechtel’s and Marty Leger’s highlight how mysterious and frustrating it is when a person simply disappears, and how often it’s not even in what we would think of as “the wild”--both of those cases happened on marked trails. Bechtel’s case, especially, illustrates how easily a missing person’s loved ones can turn on each other or behave unpredictably; if Bechtel’s husband had submitted to a lie detector test, something that seems like a sticking point for her blood relatives, would it have put their minds at rest, or would the test’s notoriously faulty results have caused him to be unfairly targeted?

However, my biggest takeaway from this book is Coast to Coast AM, a radio show Billman mentions a few times in the book. I found its podcast version on Spotify, and while it’s not going in my regular rotation, it did keep my family entertained for a few hours off and on while putting together puzzles over winter break. 

I’ve since been told that in 2020-2021 the show was all about the anti-mask COVID conspiracies, which is gross, but I found that at least in the recent episodes the dynamic of the host nodding thoughtfully and asking engaged questions while his guests ramble on in pseudoscience nonsense-speak is actually kind of charming? Like, did you know that you should be writing down your dreams because they’re all precognitive? Also, aliens!

Anyway, Billman’s point in mentioning Coast to Coast AM was to bring up Sasquatches, and the people who believe in Sasquatches, and to kind of, in a wavy-hands sort of way, connect them to the search for Jacob Gray, in particular. I feel like the point he originally wanted to make was how kind, helpful, and generous the Olympic Project, in particular, had been regarding the search, including allowing Jacob’s father, Randy, to stay in their headquarters. The larger, better point was possibly meant to be how, due to lack of government oversight/interest in the plight of the missing on public lands, the absence of a definitive clearinghouse of data, and disorganization and petty disputes over authority, it fell to a group of goodhearted crackpots to fill in the gaps as best they could. However, what Billman ends up writing about is how he sat there and watched as Randy grew more and more desperate, and more and more willing to entertain all the crackpot ideas that came his way, whether it was aliens or Sasquatch or wild goose chases caused by every psychic with a cell phone and/or access to his Facebook page. It was abject--you could tell Billman also found it abject--and it ultimately felt unkind and voyeuristic, the way that he notes every time Randy brought up Sasquatches, or followed a lead that was about Sasquatches, or, in a scene that jarred and upset me, cried out to Sasquatches who might be watching invisibly to ask them to help him find his son. It felt wrong to vicariously stare at this man in the most broken moments of his life, a bridge too far while attempting to illustrate what it’s like to be a person whose loved one is missing in the wild, and it made me question Billman’s capacity for compassion.

I was also really uncomfortable with Billman’s anecdote about accompanying Alan Duffy and a couple of his bloodhounds on a completely unnecessary walk through the former neighborhood of the late JonBenet Ramsey just so Duffy could show Billman that even after all these years, his bloodhound still smelled cadaver at her house. The current homeowner--and her young child!--were apparently in their yard at the time, and these guys were enough of a disturbance that the homeowner threatened to call the police. I know Duffy and his bloodhounds do a lot of good, but this particular display was crass and unethical, it distressed innocent people, and Billman should have declined to participate.

Overall, though, this book is better than those few isolated lurches into looky-loo-ism. I did come away feeling like I could see the experience of loving someone who’s gone missing in the wild. That experience, though, is desperately sad, and this is, therefore, a sad book to read. The culmination of all of Billman’s first-person work is the phone call he receives near the end of the book from Randy, telling him that Jacob’s body has been found by some biologists working in the park. It is a terrible result, not the least of which because all of Randy’s efforts of the prior 16 months had been towards finding Jacob. He followed every lead, however unlikely, he dove into swollen rivers to search underneath logjams, he hiked over impossibly rugged terrain, he drove as far as Canada simply to see if Jacob might have gone there. And nothing that he did helped find his son. Those biologists were always going to be in that place at that time. He could have sat his butt at home that entire time and the result would have been the same. That’s the saddest thing, to me. If it was at all possible for a parent to find their child by force of will, by effort or determination, Randy would have found Jacob. But he didn’t, so it’s not possible.

I suppose my main takeaway from this book is that in these years-long searches for missing people, of course there are going to be people behaving poorly, but fortunately Billman also includes plenty of stories of people behaving admirably, as well. Duffy does admirable things with his bloodhounds. Elite cross-country runners volunteer their time to search backcountry areas that typical searches couldn’t touch. Randy Gray benefits from the kindness of strangers over and over again in his search, and is, in turn, kind and generous to everyone around him. Jacob sounds like he was an awesome guy, and I hope that Randy is able to feel some peace now that he knows where Jacob is.

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