Friday, January 12, 2018

In Which I Write New Kids on the Block Mary Sue Fanfiction

In order to not be a hoarder (which is a losing battle, I'll go ahead and tell you), I've lately been going through some of the random piles of papers and keepsakes that I've collected over the years.

And yes, I HAVE been tossing some of it! I saved, like, napkins from places that I don't even remember. I have blurry photographs of people whose faces I don't know. Scrapbooks full of totally random pictures cut out of magazines. I have no idea what I was up to with that...

But of course there are treasures, as well. I was stopped dead this morning when I just happened upon a snapshot of Mac, sitting in front of some waterfall or other, looking pensive and perfect and so, so young. Now that snapshot gets to go on my wall, instead. I destroyed with happiness every member of this super dorky genealogy Facebook group focused on my grandparents' hometown by carefully unbinding, scanning every page  before carefully rebinding (thanks, Girl Scout Cadette Book Artist badge!), and then uploading the entire contents of my Mamma's autograph album from the years 1941-1943 to the group. You'd think it was Christmas all over again, with the enthusiasm with which my contribution was received. I'm pretty chuffed, as well, that my Mamma's album could bring so much pleasure to people still.

The most fun, though, is recovering things that were written by and for me when I was a kid. When I was in the fifth grade, I was out of school for a tonsillectomy, and the whole class made me cards. I found (and scanned, and uploaded to his Facebook timeline...) a get-well card that one boy made for me, a really elaborate card that was a combination of recipes that all involved murdering cats (you had to stir together a cup of motor oil with a cup of cat blood and its brains, etc.) and a bunch of really stressful reminders that we had a big project coming up and our teacher was going to be mad if I didn't finish. Thanks, Chris!

I found a letter that another friend wrote me a week after I left for college, in which he referenced America Online a lot (like, a LOT) and demonstrated this new thing that he'd discovered. It looked like this:


Yep, my friend wrote 300 words explaining the smiley to me. Thanks, Josh!

In my own hand... or on my own typewriter, rather, because my Mamma bought me a typewriter when I was in elementary school and I used my aunt's old secretary manual to teach myself how to type... I found a lot of...

Well, it's a lot of fanfiction, I guess you'd say.

A lot of on-the-nose Mary Sue fanfiction.

A lot of on-the-nose, Mary Sue, New Kids on the Block fanfiction.

I was into New Kids on the Block the same as I was also into Ozzy Osbourne and Metallica and Bon Jovi and The Lost Boys and Top Gun, but something about New Kids on the Block seemed to lend itself especially well to fanfiction, mostly of the sort where I'm discovered by some happy accident and join the band or something. It was pretty good stuff.

Of course, in other of my works, higher adventures ensue. Here, for instance, my friend and I happen up a--gasp!--drug deal gone wrong, and it ends in a--gasp!--murder!

You can tell from my writing that I know a lot about both drug deals and murders.

Okay, this next part is pretty great. Jenika and I have run headlong through the shopping mall, through a door marked PRIVATE, and we've just slammed it shut behind us and are catching our breath:

Gasp! We've happened upon the New Kids on the Block, themselves! I have no memory of this Biscuit fellow, but in my story he appears to be some kind of handler or chaperone. I'm betting that in reality, there would have been more staff on hand to tend to the performers' needs, but whatever. I'm also pretty sure that they're not going to serve as some sort of proxy Witness Protection Program for two twelve-year-olds. I mean, did we even talk to the police? It doesn't sound like it!

But the baby blue eyes of Joey McIntyre, amiright?

So here's where the story gets kind of weird. Remember how I was into New Kids on the Block AND Metallica? Top Gun AND The Lost Boys? Well, I now seem to introduce some sort of additional me, and the two of us converse, and, well...

Yay, I'm a vampire! That always WAS my dream! Well, that and marrying one of the New Kids on the Block. So, you'll never guess what happens next:

YEAH, I showed all those junior high bitches who never believed in me! I DID, TOO marry Joey McIntyre! And I DID, TOO become a vampire! And I DID, TOO start a vampire rock band and we're really successful!

Did I mention that I was a weird and lonely child? I probably didn't have to, did I?

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